Tuesday, July 31, 2007

If Squirrel Is On The Loose, Where's Moose?

We have officially sunk below the sublime. From today's New York Times:

Many residents of the city of Basra in southern Iraq have convinced themselves that the British Army has loosed savage cattle-eating badgers onto its unsuspecting populace as a final gesture of ill intent before it departs this summer.

Throw in, for good measure, the fervent belief that British soldiers have planted snake eggs in waterways and unleashed bomb-sniffing dogs purposely infected with rabies.
The Iranian news media have gotten in on the act too, claiming that foreign forces have been fitting squirrels with miniaturized surveillance devices and sending them scurrying across the border to spy. Iranian news reports, monitored by the BBC, recently referred to 14 spy squirrels being captured by alert Iranian intelligence officials before the animals could take action against the nation.

Fret not folks. Cheney has known about the Brit's enhanced squirrel techniques for some time now and has launched a a double super secret program to close the squirrel gap. The program, known as ESP for Enhanced Squirrel Program, has been determined by the DOJ Office of Legal Counsel, in an opinion written by David Addington for Albertoad Gonzales' signature, to be fully compliant with SPCA guidelines and laws, in spite of the large but classified number of squirrels lost in development. Gonzales, asked about the ESP while under oath in a committee hearing, testified that he really can't remember any double super secret squirrel programs, and has no idea how the 150,000 squirrels died in Langley last year.

As my friend William Ockham at The Next Hurrah says, "Am I the only one who believes that spy squirrels and man-eating badgers would make more sense that what we say we are doing?" No, I am struck by the same thought.