Saturday, January 5, 2008

Top 10 of 2007 -- Wurlitzer Prize for Wingnuttery™

Since we started awarding the prize late in 2007, we added two deserving recipients who are standard bearers from the past week to our Top 10 countdown of exemplary honorees. Who is No. 1 in all of Wingnuttia? We think you will applaud but let's start with...

No. 10: I see nutheeng! -- One of two recipients from the Heritage Foundation, Nina Owcharenko can face the problem of uninsured children, and without batting an eyelash, obfuscate the situation. Nina trotted out the fallacy that the government program to cover uninsured children is expanding in order to -- gasp with us in horror -- drive children from private insurance! Oh, what an affront to the profits of the insurance industry! "The truth is various states have been pushing for an expansion of SCHIP precisely because, faced with spiraling increases in health insurance premiums, more and more employers are electing to drop dependent coverage and more and more middle class parents, confronted with the same price spiral, are unable to pay for private insurance." The parental nightmare: choose between paying for their children's health coverage or the mortgage. But, pish posh, neighs Nina. She canters on, her award teetering on her ideological rump, leaving a trail of road apples for the kiddies.

No. 9: The poor couldn't possibly be really poor -- That's what an elite fellow of the Heritage Foundation, Robert Rector, explained, wagging his finger at us little people. When "one in eight" Americans lack "enough money for the food, shelter, and clothing they need," caught in a daily "struggle with incredible poverty," Rector pulled out his scented hankie, dabbed his pursed lips before opining, Let them eat dirt. Rector's award for excellence in denying the truth about Americans living in poverty earns him a special booby prize in addition to the award -- a miniature guillotine designed to trim his lengthy aristocratic claws.

No. 8: I'm a useful idiot -- Bill Sammon of the Washington Examiner knows how to lobe a softball to Bush during a WH press briefing so the pResident Evil can chortle, "Now, watch this drive." Sammon's question, ”Mr. President, what did you think of the MoveOn ad?” With that, aWol launched into a tirade against the "Democrat" Party. “I thought the ad was disgusting. I felt like the ad was an attack not only on General Petraeus, but on the U.S. military....[blah, blah, blah]." For Sammon's efforts, he gets a brass-plated Kool-Aid sippycup inscribed with "D.C. Stenographer" to accompany his award.

No. 7: Wiping the ass of the GOP -- Home to the rants of crotchety white man Lou Dobbs, stenographer Malveaux, and groveling Wolf, the Cowardly News Network proves once again that liberal media is an extinct creature of mythical lore. In homage to their GOP favoritism during the presidential debates, the award comes with a magic CNN eightball that when shaken, always answers, "Carry water for Republicans or God will getcha!" They take the admonition Seriously.

No. 6: Harangutan Glenn Beck -- When Southern California burned, ravaging the homes of Republican-leaning Orange County and San Diego, a place where active duty and retired military also live, the right-wing nutjob of CNN poisoned with venom for the blue state -- and absent of fact-checking to whom he would spew his obscenities -- delighted in the inferno by announcing that "people who hate America are losing their homes today." A perpetual fountain of animosity toward liberals, environmentalists, Anyone Not A Wingnut™, Beck's bigotry earned him an award wrapped in a brownshirt for outstanding achievement in smearing non-Christians.

[Read on... the countdown continues after the jump!]

No. 5: War on Christmas kerfuffle -- Faux News & Friends hosted a curious holiday segment with the Catholic League's Bill Donohue as guest to kvetch about Huckabee's holiday campaign ad that "displayed an image of a white cross floating in the background behind the Huckster's head." WTF? Didn't the Flared Nostril realize there was a war on Xmas? How could he quibble with a cross, for chrissakes?! His "hypocrisy, partisan bias, and bullying are legion.... Donohue's hyperbolic media whoring and Judas act to progressives, Catholic Democrats, gays, Muslims, Wiccans, and Jews" tickles him pinko. "He excoriates or discounts anyone who disturbs his unbridled wingnuttery" and "Big Media, having given him a bully pulpit, turn a blind eye to his hypocrisy." For his yuletide performance and to complement his award, we bestow a super-size kazoo to play along off-key with the noise machine.

No. 4: O'shilling is me middle name -- NBC's Tim Russert never encountered a fact he couldn't dismiss or distort on behalf of his BFF, the Greedy Old Phonies. Describing Huck's victory in Iowa, he said that "the Republicans [were] embracing someone whose message was populist, and in terms of foreign policy, anti-George W. Bush." Wait a minute. That's not what Huck said: "I love the president. I've been with him on the war. I've been with him on the surge when Mitt Romney wasn't. So it's absurd to say that I'm against the president." Typical of Russert, his Meet The Press dog-and-pony show demonstrates an exercise in disregarding his buddies' misleading statements, allowing propaganda to flourish, and dissing Democrats every chance he can insert an attack. In special recognition, he receives a GOP-monogrammed chamois to polish his award along with the turds he serves up as journalism. Maybe he can use it to buff his brown nose, too.

No. 3: He's a Muslim (wink, wink) but I'm a slut -- He'll criticize others for spreading innuendo but when Chris Matthews does the same thing, he's oblivious to his brazen double standard. As a bona fide Hillary-hater, Tweety makes millions trashing Big Major Dems and he doesn't mind stooping to sexism to do it. He's been dissembling a long, long time. Ah, but he can't seem to cure his complusion 'cause he's in love! Republican he-men, Mr. 9/11, the Codpiece-in-Chief, and "Big Handsome" Fred Thompson make him swoon. We've re-engineered the Wurlitzer prize to accommodate a hidden compartment where Tweety can keep a bottle of smelling salts to use when he's overcome with the vapors. Should we toss in a hand towel for his, um, sweaty palms?

No. 2: Who can top Rudy!? Only Rudy Giuliani, a constant source of wingnuttery, can soar beyond himself like Icarus lifting on the thermal of 9/11 (video). He was for "socialized medicine" before he was against it, but Rudy's never liked facts much. He can out-howl the dogs of war louder than any banshee and he can scare little children and big people alike with terror, terror, terror. Oh, Rudy! "The serial exaggerator can't help himself." But when will he drop out of the race for the WH? His Wurlitzer prize comes rigged with a oscillating white flag. Maybe he will get the hint.

No. 1: Who's the wrongest wingnut of all? -- Taking the top slot, William "The Bloody" Kristol reigns as the King of Crap. For being spectacularly wrong as a pundit, the Gray Lady added him to her "stable of neocon stooges." I kid you not! With Bloody Bill "on board, the Nyuk Nyuk Times can whoop-whoop-whoop-whoop it up with the phoniest stooge of all. The infotainment value that a weekly dose of Bloody Bill can bring to Serious Punditry will surely elevate the laughing stock of the paper in the marketplace of Opinion as it bolts in the opposite direction of the nation's move toward progressive ideas. Who's next to [dis]grace its editorial pages? Ann Coultergeist? N'yaaah-ah-ah!" For such an colossal misstep, the sound of mailbox flaps banging shut on cancelled subscription letters lends a raspberry-induced a cappella to both the Times and Kristol's Wurlitzer Prize for Wingnuttery™.

Stay tuned for next Saturday's award to kick off the first honoree of 2008.